no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
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