one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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