I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
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