Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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