What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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