I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
