i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
