party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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