when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
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