Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
