Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
