I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
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