So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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