if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
