I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
