I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
