I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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