I'm so fucking centered right now
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Randomize
