hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
