You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
