She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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