you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
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just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
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Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
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