How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
