What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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