Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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