Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
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