I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
