yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
