Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
