I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Randomize
