she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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