Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
