fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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