so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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