I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
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