ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
