why didn't you poke me back
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Randomize
