Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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