she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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