My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
