I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
