There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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