you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
