Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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