I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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