textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
