I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Everything about him screamed your future.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
