She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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