uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Randomize
