Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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