Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
