How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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