I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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