i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
