Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
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Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
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