I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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