I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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